He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This is my gift to your gina
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize