Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
