How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
