I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I need to sanitize my soul.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize