best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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