I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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