how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
