I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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