I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
