Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
