My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i came on her dog
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
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