His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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