why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
