am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
