Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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