There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
