You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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