It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i came on her dog
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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