did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
