I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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