I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
