I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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