Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
