Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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