I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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