i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
