Im at strip club and am horny
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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