Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
pop tarts are not kleenex
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize