I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
this is an emotional support booty call
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
