I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
