I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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