You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize