I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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