he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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