I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
