You smell like stripper and shame
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize