i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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