I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
