If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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