The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
