I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
