One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
