I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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