I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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