got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
