Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
