"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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