My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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