i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
