I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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