The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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