my vag is so smooth its legendary
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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