you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Come on in and take your pants off
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