if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
