My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
