Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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