My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
