3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Your tits are I can't wait for
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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