He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
