dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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