Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
