i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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