He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
