You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
