I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You left your phone here
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