I puked a lego.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He felt like a one man threesome
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
