I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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