she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
