Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
